I’m busy working on a new image when I hear my 13-year-old daughter talking on the phone. She’s very excited because she’s going to a dance and she’s discussing fashion and makeup with her girlfriend. I sigh and go back to work. This is the part of growing up that I find the hardest. She finally comes downstairs and out of the corner of my eye I get a glimpse of what she’s wearing, which then gets my full attention. “You are NOT leaving this house looking like that!” I find myself hollering, having a brief flashback of my father yelling the same thing. What follows is a 30-minute long screaming match. Mostly about how I’m being unfair, everyone dresses like that, and her life will be ruined if she doesn’t wear that exact outfit at this particular dance. This is actually a common scene in households all over the world.

Anyone who sees my children must think we are destitute. All their clothes are either too big or too small. I honestly do buy them clothes that fit properly; they just refuse to wear them. The end result is wasted money, arguments, and one frustrated parent. How do you stop the cycle? To be honest that depends on you and your child and will probably require a trial and error period. As my mother always said, you have to pick and choose your battles. You have to decide first off what you can or cannot live with in regards to how your child is dressed, set some basic rules, and be consistent with those rules. If it was only as easy as that!

Children, I think, are designed to rebel. Do you remember when you were that age bringing an extra set of clothes to school or a dance, or even wearing the offending outfit under the one your parents deemed appropriate? Things haven’t changed that much since you were a teenager. The first step to head off a battle of wills where you will inevitably become the loser is to understand why your child is doing this. There are a couple reasons kids choose the styles they do. One is simply to “fit in.” At this age fitting in and popularity seems like the most important thing in the world. Every time a new fad comes out you see cookie cutter copies coming out of the woodwork regardless of whether they are appropriate or not. Another is an act of rebellion and is related to showing their independence from you and creating a unique identity for themselves.

Communication is the answer to everything. Children who feel the need to follow the crowd are still searching for their own identity, but are going the easy route by allowing other people to choose who they are for them. Children who feel the need to rebel are also searching for their identity and refusing to allow anyone including you define who they should be, what they should look like, or how they should act. The answer is cultivating a healthy relationship with your child based on mutual respect and communication. Your young teenager has a right as well as a need to make some decisions for themselves. Your role now is to gently guide those decisions without being pushy as well as helping them to be comfortable with their own self-image.

The solution for me, was to come up with a compromise between what I thought was appropriate and what she thought was essential. This time of your child’s life is not going to be easy for either of you, but it can be made liveable if you remember that respect is a two way street. If you respect their right to make some decisions on their own, they will be more willing to welcome your opinion when making those decisions.